Things I think about the heat

1. Thank goodness I lost some weight two years ago because this would be infinitely more hellish otherwise.

2. As I learned in bikram - keeping still and quiet and expending minimal energy and not wiping the sweat more than you can help is the one.

3. I did feel minorly guilty a month ago when I found a mini electric hand fan at school and took it home rather than turning it into lost property but I do NOT feel any regrets now. 

4. The older I get, the more I dislike air conditioning. 

4. I appreciate the heat because I know how lovely it will be in three days when I'm sitting outside in the evening and it's actually a little cool on my skin. 

6. I appreciate the heat because it turns the mundane into an almost biblical experience: drinking a glass of really cold water, taking a cool shower, lying on the bed with wet hair in front of a fan. I know this is a bit Pollyanna of me. I don't care. It's too hot to care. 

7. It's not as hot as it was two weeks ago. 

8. Please, please let this autumn be the autumn that I finally stop procrastinating and get thermal-lined curtains for the front rooms of the house. 

9. Remember when it rained basically every day in January? Fun times. 

2026 Week 25

It's been a week of exam work, with a little dissertation work wedged in around the edges. Oh, and school, obvs. 

School is weird. What I'm doing looks like it's being successful, I'm told by my boss it's being successful, but the trust don't want me to continue doing it, so my role might change for next year. I'm trying to resist this, for a variety of reasons, but ultimately need to remember something I say often to other people: I work for them, they get to choose what I do. A few conversations have been had. In one of these conversations, I plucked up the courage to tell the Head that I think next year needs to be my last year in teaching for a while. I've been thinking it for so long without saying it that I could feel myself blushing and hear the blood in my ears. I know this isn't the same as resigning and I'll still be in role for another year, but I feel like I've started the countdown. I don't want to leave my school but I don't think I can continue to work for this MAT. I don't have it in my to lie down and shut up. 

So, a lot of the week has also been spent mentally calculating my living expenses and mourning the future loss of my monthly salary. I will be financially fine but I kind of like being paid every month, you know? I expect interesting projects will come along once I have capacity for them. Mr Z has also pointed out that I haven't been particularly happy at work for about two years, which I hadn't really noticed (I realise how stupid this sounds but sometimes it does take someone else to say these things out loud to recognise them). So I think I am ready to start letting it go. 

I spent Wednesday at the university for a training day, with my good friend Jonty who does my job at another school, so we get this nice catch up every year now. A couple of other friends I haven't seen for a while were there as well, so nice to see people, especially at this time of year when it feels like all my communication is with people I mark with and all by email or text. 

I went to the sauna, to hot yoga and for a quarry swim. No Sunday gym, I am out of the habit now but I am not being down on myself about it, it will come back when I've got through the dissertation work. We continued with the second season of The Pitt until we ran out of episodes; I've been watching the new series of Amandaland which is almost too awkward for me to cope with, but I love Lucy Punch in it. No knitting. Bit of Dracula reading. 

TLDR - not a very interesting week but it might turn out to be an important one, in the long run. 

2026 Week 24

It has been a predictably busy few weeks. 

In half term, I went to Oxford for the week. It was a very productive trip. First of all, I found a new library that I hadn't been into before; it turns out that it was only opened in October last year, which explains why I had never been in, even though it is under 10 minutes' walk from where I stay and open 9-9. I spent a very long day in there, as well as hitting All Souls and the Rad Cam, my two long-standing favourites; I ate at my favourite breakfast, lunch and dinner spots; I walked in University Parks. My Oxford swansong. I booked an additional night there just before dissertation hand in and also discovered I can get a Bodleian libraries card as an alumna, so the libraries won't be totally off-limits. I'm fairly sure I won't get back there nearly as often as I'd like to, though. 

The best thing about going to Oxford was the progress I managed to make on my dissertation. I have gone from it being a low-level panic that I thought of when I woke up every morning, to something that I am now confident I can finish on time in a state that will pass. I got about 7000 words down in the week and I finished my research interviews; since then, I have made some updates to my lit review and started coding my data, as they say. I was all in my head about coding my data for a long old time but then I realised that it just means reading it and picking out some things that look like common themes. Not such a big deal. I had an online meeting with my supervisor this week and it really does feel like the end if in sight; after doing some coding, with the meeting coming up a day earlier than expected, I decided I would sit for an hour and bash out some things I had spotted: that turned into a thousand words and a comment that 'this looks really good, now it's just a question of finding some quotes'. Thrilling. 

It is hard to carve out the time now that we are into marking season, but carve it out I will. The date for the end of All The Work is still the end of September, but as that draws closer, it is actually comforting. The period of endless hard work is shortening. Work is being done. It will be fine. 

A couple of other half term adventures included a walk around Chew Lake with Saff and Kate, on a blisteringly sunny day, and a visit to an exhibition of lesser-seen Elizabethan portraits during my quick trip to London. Plus the new Banksy statue. 

I wedged a lot in. It's what happens when I'm busy with work. On Friday night I got AI to teach me how to code a button on my homescreen that plays the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune whenever Mr Z says something about everything going wrong. It took longer than it should have done but I was thrilled with my new knowledge and with my new ability to soundtrack his life. We are into week 4 or 5 of impossibly hurty knee, so he is less thrilled than me. 

This past week has been setting up everything for exam marking, which necessitated a couple of 16-hour days, but it is becoming clearer to me that the more hours I can put in ahead of online marking starting (this weekend), the more fruits will appear. The way that the system works now, the bulk of my labour is done. That feels very odd to say that, but it is true. There is plenty more to do, of course, but it is spread out and deadlines are fairly moveable. 

I've been re-reading Dracula through all of this, which is easy to pick up for a few pages, mostly because I know it so well. I saw Cynthia Erivo playing Dracula in London during Oxford week. It was a great version where she played 23 different parts, interacting with pre-recorded characters she'd played, and I enjoyed it hugely. The one thing that irritated me was that she had a conversation with Lucy, early on in the play, where Lucy admitted to having been intimate with Arthur. I didn't remember this being in the book and it was so f'ing hackneyed, that awful old trope of 'woman has sex and then gets horribly murdered' that shows up in all the sexually-repressed American films, that I had to come back and reread the book to see if it was in there and I'd forgotten. It's not. There's a letter that Lucy writes to Mina where she says she is looking forward to Arthur being her 'husband and lover', but that's it. Now, I never read Dracula at school: I haven't done a deep dive into the themes and metaphors Stoker apparently put in there (I think he was just looking to write a blockbuster horror book like Mary Shelley but I'm not an English teacher so...) but I think it would be a stretch to suggest that Lucy was promiscuous just because she was proposed to three times in one day and was excited about marrying a man. 

As you can see, this topic has been living rent-free in my head for some time now. I just hate the inherent misogyny of the whole 'if you have sex, things will end badly for you' theme. For a modern example, see Taken: friend says she will have sex with Frenchman she met, friend kidnapped and ends up dying after being overdosed with heroin in a squat. Meanwhile, girl who was shocked at the idea of having sex is rescued. Tell me that's not barely-coded messaging to elicit patriarchal society's preferred behaviours among women, but I will not believe you. And I'm very annoyed that the writers of stage Dracula decided to take this quite modern trope and wedge it into a 19th century book. As if we need any more trad wife messaging*. 

Anyway. 

The blue jumper grows: I'm about 4 inches off finishing the body. I am concerned about the roll of the neck but I will take some steps to fix it when I'm finished and know how much yarn I have left. I shouldn't be spending any time knitting but I am desperate to see how much yarn the body will take and the only way to find that out is by knitting it. 

The peonies came out in the garden in spectacular fashion and have now gone over and been replaced by the honeysuckle. The cooler June has enabled outside sitting. I've enjoyed it. Maybe a separate post for the peony pictures because they were so lovely, I took loads. 

I've been baking this weekend, ahead of teacher appreciation day. I don't bake so often these days and I don't write about it on here, but I will say that I made a mint version of the lemon curd recipe I discovered over 15 years ago. I think I had in my mind that a lovely mint curd would be like a slightly less cloying version of the centre of a Fry's peppermint cream bar. I couldn't find a recipe I liked, so I halved the OG lemon curd recipe and blended a fair old bunch of mint leaves with the sugar before I made it. This definitely worked, but the result is more toothpaste that peppermint cream. I might try mixing in some icing sugar before I put it in a cake. 

* be a trad wife if you want to. I am here for it. Feminism is all about women, and men, choosing what they want. But within that, don't tell other people that it's the better way to be. That's up to them to decide. 

Early Summer Goals

I tried to make this list a bit more about accountability and it was helpful. 

Not too shabby at all! I didn't manage seven gym trips; I didn't go on any Mondays. Letting myself off a bit. I was very close to seven but, meh. I also didn't make it to hot yoga because I bought a 10-class card that expires in September, so of course I didn't go even once. But meh, there's always this term. 

I've ticked a couple that others might not have done. I have sorted well over 100 things to donate (socks count as two - my rules) but they haven't left my house yet, I need to sort into ragging and wearable. I did make a start on this but I need to do one last sort before I end up taking holey socks to the charity shop. Did I do an hour of dissertation work every day? No. I tried to on every day that I could, though. Sometimes it was just staring. But it has, thank goodness, all started to come together, thanks to my week in the libraries of Oxford last week. I am horrified that the first draft is due in under 8 weeks but this no longer feels completely unachievable. Also - it may be awful for the next 8 weeks but, after that, it will be basically done. 

I finished my research, hurrah! I did lovely things like catching up with my coursemates at a lecture in Oxford and the Macfarlane lecture and Wonderwool and Powis Castle. 

I returned to the quarry for a swim, first time in nearly a year, it made me sad I don't go as often these days. But it has been winter so, yknow. And I have found the local sauna now and that is not the same but very good in its own way, and cheaper, and closer to home. 

I've been reflecting on whether I need a list for this term. I don't think I do. It is going to be too chaotic between the marking and the end of the school year and the dissertation. I have written myself an impossible schedule of work to follow and so my goal is really just to stick as close to that as I can, because this will make for a happier summer. 

But I will be thinking of nice things to put on my summer holiday list - of that you can be assured. 

2026 Week 21

The best part of this week was undoubtedly waking at 5.20am on Saturday, thinking it was a work day, then doing my usual slow mental processing - have I taught that yet? have I had that meeting? - until I figured out it was all done and the week was over. And that meant the term was over too. And back to sleep I went. 

Actually, it's a bit harsh calling that the best moment when I managed to get Mr Z to go out to dinner with me and it's not even our wedding anniversary. Mr Z has been struggling with a swollen and painful knee; this week he actually went to the hospital, where they aspirated said knee and gave him a leg brace, so he can at least hobble around, but isn't able to drive again yet. Nevertheless, he accompanied me to local Bristol eatery Wilson's for a tasting menu, based on food produced on their farm 20 miles out of Bristol, that offered an accompanying non-alcoholic flight - what a treat for those of us who were driving. The whole meal was really special and even more so because they offered non-fish alternatives for Mr Z, on account of his aversion to creatures of the sea. Highly recommended. I'd love to go back in the autumn. 

So that was the best moment, then the realising it was Saturday, then the swim in the quarry on Saturday morning, my first since October. It was nearly 17 degrees and the sun came out just as I arrived. I had forgotten how much I enjoy being in the cold. It was a bit brisk for the first leg but, by the end, I didn't want to get out. My body retained that chill for a very pleasant half an hour after I left, which was most welcome in the heat. 

I went to Oxford for an evening on Thursday, which was a bit mental but I had a good time. There was a lecture about assessment and AI (which was excellent but turned out to be a bit depressing) and a few of my coursemates met, plus the first years were finishing up their fortnight so I got to meet a couple of them as well. One of them works for the same exam board as me, although she actually works for them in what sounds like quite a senior role, whereas I'm just a lowly contractor. It was good to have a brief chat with her, though. You never know when I might be applying for a job there. 

I made progress on my lit review. It is slow going but I think it is getting there now. I have to turn it in tomorrow night and need to keep reminding myself that the whole point is to get feedback on how to improve it, so it doesn't have to be perfect when I hand it in. 

I finished reading Is a River Alive? which was as good as I might have expected. It wasn't quite Underland levels of good but...well, maybe it was in places. It has sparked off a whole new idea for a scheme of learning, about colonialism and rivers in India. I was also bereft when it ended, which is the sure sign of a gripping book.

I put about 10 rows onto the new jumper: it's a bit warm now to be thinking about jumpers but it will be quick if I can make myself do it. Mr Z and I started season 2 of The Pitt. I cast around listlessly for something easy and quite to watch but found nothing, so there wasn't much more TV this week. No more audiobook, either. Brain is still a bit full. 

2026 Week 20

Another one of those weeks that I crashed through at speed, without really noticing. Exams began. Work was definitely done but I can't remember much of it. I continued to read Is A River Alive? and it saved my bacon a little on Friday. I added nothing to the knitting project but I did manage more of Anxious Generation and now only have an hour or so of listening left, and it also inspired me to an activity for school that was helpful so that was good. 

The reading I've been doing for the dissertation has begun to coalesce and I need to spend the greater part of today trying to get that into something that resembles an essay. I'm getting annoyed at myself now for just not settling to it. I have to turn something in (let's hope for 2000 words) after next weekend so I really need to avoid the tears of an eleventh hour grind but I am not confident in my ability to do so. I did finally bite the bullet and ask my 'book friends for help with interviews and they are going to come good so I will at least manage to get that part done this week, I hope. 

Enough of that - the best part of my week was undoubtedly going to Newcastle for the annual conference I go to. I flew because it was cheap and quick. There was some guilt, especially on the way back when I was the only person seated in the front four rows, but I did get the train to skiing in February so that can be my swap. Also I did see two rainbows from the plane on the way. 

The conference was good. I did my usual trick of spending basically the whole thing with the same two people but I really only see them at this event so I am not going to worry about that: I always feel I should be more sociable because I know so many people at the conference, but ultimately that's not what I prefer to do, so there it is. We stayed up much too late at the bar, for two nights this time, and we WON the history quiz! By half a point! Since we did a challenge over one point before we knew how close it was going to be, which was successful, I am not sure it was the fairest result, but we did win. Woohoo! I used to run this quiz with my friend Rich (pinnacle was 2023 when Mary Beard was on one of the teams) so it is pleasing to get to win it for once. 

The sessions were all really good. I realised that the one I was running was an hour, not the 50 minutes I had planned, hence my unplanned reading from my current book, but this went down well and has actually inspired me to a project for next conference. The problem with being a senior leader is that I don't do curriculum work and next year I won't be teaching anything new, so it is hard to generate something that other people might want to hear about and, although I'd love it, I can't just keep talking about assessment every time. But, as always seemed to happen, a few ideas from disparate sources came together and now I have an idea and have recruited a geography guru to help me with it, though when I am going to manage it is anybody's guess. 

Maybe my favourite thing was the walking tour and the wildlife, though. I heard at last week's bird talk that Newcastle is the furthest inland that kittiwakes nest and I can confirm that they basically own the city - at least the bit I saw. The workshops all took place in rooms overlooking the bridge and I was horribly distracted by the constant bird traffic, as they built nests and went out for food. They were noisy when I was able to get outside, too, and also digging up chunks of turf and soil to build said nests from the bank outside the hotel. I wouldn't have known a kittiwake from a regular gull last week, and my discussions with other people about them (basically anybody who would listen, I was obsessed) revealed that I am not alone in this, but I can report that they have black legs and black wingtips, and are not as large as you might expect a 'regular' gull (whatever that is) to be. I downloaded the Merlin app and it confirmed my sighting, though. 

Bit blurry because of the zoom but she had a great nesting site. 

So yes - I observed hundreds of kittiwakes, some little rabbits, a great tit living in a hole in a wall behind the big letter S. There was a Millennium Bridge tilt. We went to a library and I saw a picture of a Victorian spiritualist, surrounded by a garland that had reportedly been constructed for him by a spirit he contacted in a seance, I love this sort of thing, it is so of its time. I asked for a selfie with a stag dressed as Cher, at the behest of his friends. I sweet-talked the hotel reception into letting me use the sauna after the conference was over, even though I'd checked out: note to self, remove the metal earrings if it's going to be a hot one, I have blisters on my earlobes now, what an idiot. And at least two people came up to me to gush about how my work has helped them in some way, an experience I never cease to find astonishing and incredibly humbling. There are a few key reasons why I love this conference but enjoying my celebrity status* is probably on that list. 

One more week of school and then I am off to Oxford for a week and then it's term 6, which is basically not even a thing. Oh and all the marking. And another conference to present at. But it will be over quickly. I keep waking up and thinking about my dissertation but woke up this morning to the epiphany that the time will pass very quickly and it will be done, even if I don't enjoy it, so it's not really something to carry stress about. I enjoy a lot of my life. I don't have to enjoy all of it, all of the time. 

* it's preposterous to call it this but, in a very small community, not inaccurate. 

Tales of Toxic Independence

A while ago, I read about the concept of toxic independence, where a person goes out of their way to avoid asking for or accept help, even when they need it and it would be willingly offered. This is likely rooted in some kind of trauma from younger years. I don't want to think too hard about that part because this is a trait I have really started to see reflected in myself. 

So - today's tale. I was hauling my little cart of archive materials to a classroom for our after school archive club. I bought the little cart so I don't have to keep borrowing the caretakers' cart. I brought it to the room, which was up a small flight of three steps. Somebody passed. 'Do you want a hand? It's not very heavy, we can lift it up.' 'No, no,' I replied, 'I'll be fine.'

For, at the top of the steps, I had long noted a couple of eyelets - it was clear to me that the platform lifted up and, I decided, it was going to be a ramp. I would just wheel the cart up. No need for anyone to help. 

I positioned myself behind the eyelets and prized them out. I yanked hard - one side came free, but the other was stuck. Repeat but the other side came free. I decided it must have been a long time since anybody did this. Nobody knows it's here! I thought. I wiggled myself into a better position, channelled all my deadlift training and yeeted the ramp up, whereupon it became obvious that it was not a ramp but a hatch, concealing a dark pit that had clearly not seen sunlight for at least half a century, and into which my phone had tumbled, thrown out of my pocket by the force of my yeeting. 

At exactly this point, the caretaker appeared around the corner. Sometimes the universe messaging is just too strong to ignore, so I allowed him to retrieve my phone since he was not wearing a skirt ('Not today, anyway,' he replied) and there was the filth of ages in the pit. He resealed it, and whatever plagues were threatening to waft free, for probably another century. 

This could have all been avoided if I'd accepted the offer of help in the first place. I sheepishly requested help to get the cart back down at the end of the session. 

You really think I'd have learned by now but no.