Scenes from the Classroom #44

A couple of years ago, I brought back a teaching model for Y7 that we used when I started teaching. It means that I see my Y7 class almost every day and this has made for some great relationships. Lots of kids said at parents evening this week that mine was their favourite subject and, although I appreciate the time I've got back since I loaned them to a student teacher, this week she's been off doing some lectures and I have really enjoyed having them back, especially since I started a Tudors module with them. 

Predictably, in the first lesson, we didn't get much done. I have masses of knowledge of this topic and it is a favourite of many of the class already. At lesson end, I realised we had made it through two slides and precisely none of the lesson activities. 

Me: Oh, it's time to pack up, sorry, I have talked too much.

L: We have literally just talked about the Tudors for the whole lesson.

Me: I know (grimace) sorry about that, we will get more done next lesson.

L: I loved it. Best lesson ever. Ten out of ten, would recommend. 

I now know what it feels like to be reviewed on Trip Adviser.

Lordy, it's a busy time. So busy. I am #sadface a lot and having to remind myself that this situation was my choice. I'd like to say it's going to quieten down soon but...I can't actually see when that's going to happen. That said, a quick tally suggests I only have 15 more lessons to teach in the remaining nine weeks of this school year. I did a great job with picking my timetable last year, well done me. So at least there is some ebb in my main job. 

Scenes from the Classroom #43

Today, one of my favourite pieces of stationery broke. It's a plastic concertina folder that has tabbed compartments, but it opens fully rather than being a wallet. Hard to explain. Anyway, I bought it a Carrefour in France on holiday with Tutt about a decade ago and I haven't seen anything like it since. It split all down one seam and is not salvageable. I was glum when I handed Y13 back their essays - it is the folder of all marking. 

Me: I bought it on holiday in France, I'll never be able to replace it.

Them: It's bound to be on Amazon.

Me: I have looked but I don't even know what to search for.

S: You can take a picture of it to search.

Me: What! I didn't even know that was a thing!

S: Yes, search by picture.

Me: *dons reading glasses* so you mean, I should search for it in Google Lens or...

S: No, you can do it right on Amazon.

Me: *tappity tap tap* *squinty squint* *be old*

Behold, purchase options for my folder appear almost instantly. My face lights up like Christmas morning. Then, the piece de resistance...

L: Awwww!

That's it. The line is properly crossed. I am now just an old person who doesn't understand the internet. And I was basically there at the start. But still - now I'm Mother Hand. As if those years of learning HTML tags meant nothing. 

It's the beginning of the end. 

Scenes from the Classroom #42

Two in two days...my students are killing it this week.

It was last period on Friday. My energy and patience were both low. I had Year 7, in a computer room (we were not using the computers, that's just our room) and that is the worst because they are constantly swivelling on the chairs until I want to scream. Student A in this class is adorable and enthusiastic and has ADHD, which makes her shout out a lot and swivel an awful lot. I know she can't help it and I like her a lot which helps me maintain my temper. But today...

Me: (in the middle of another glorious explanation)

A: (shouts out loudly, over me, with a very tangential question)

Me: (grits) A, you know we've talked about this before, you really need to raise your hand and not shout out, particularly because it's Friday afternoon and I've only got about this much [indicates about an inch with finger and thumb] patience left. 

A: Oh OK, yes Miss, sorry.

*Time passes*

Me: (explaining a task)

A: (shouts out another question)

Me: (double grits) A, remember what I just said...

A: Oh yes Miss, sorry, but you know how you said you only had this much patience? Well on a Friday afternoon I only have this much not shouting outness. 

This was not funny at the time but, thirty minutes later when the day was over, I almost cried with laughter retelling it to my colleagues. Bless her. 

Scenes from the Classroom #41

I am Very Important at work now and have to go round collecting misbehaving students when they are not able to be in lessons. On Tuesday, I found a high-profile student sitting outside her Maths lesson, refusing to go in. She wouldn't move anywhere else or go back inside, so I sat and talked with her...at her...for 40 minutes. I got to the point where I offered to show her pictures of my pets, which was apparently the last straw because she finally, at that point, asked if she could go to the behaviour hub. A small victory on my part. 

Today I asked her to move along from somewhere she was standing with her friends, which she took quiet exception to, but in a very Mean Girls way. She was a bit critical of my outfit and when I said I was wearing all black so I could wear my favourite bright shiny necklace (a rainbow, mirror affair from Tatty Devine) she responded with, 'Is it homemade Miss? It looks pretty DIY.'

Touche, mean girl. 

Luckily this was offset by a lovely student who approached me in a corridor yesterday to tell me how much she'd enjoyed my Holocaust Memorial Day assembly. 

Scenes from the Classroom #40

 Y11: Oooofff urggghhh it's soooo hot in here

Me: You think this is hot! My dad lives in Las Vegas and it hasn't rained there for 154 days!

Y11: Wooaahhh, that's ages!

(A minute or so passes)

T: Miss, does that mean your dad hasn't showered in like....150 days or something?

It's like a gift that keeps on giving. 

Scenes from the Classroom #39

I'm not well-known to most of the younger students in the school. Sadly my timetable is really top heavy these days, so they don't tend to have me as a teacher until they get to GCSE, meaning their only interaction with me is as a grumpy cover teacher or when I'm on duty. Plus I'm, yknow, me, so it isn't unusual to find that students are a bit nervous around me when I start teaching them. 

By lunchtime on Friday, when I met my year 10 class for the first time, we were also all exhausted: new term tiredness compounded by months of lockdown. So I wasn't surprised when they were really quiet. But I was surprised when they stayed really quiet, for an extended period of time. I can't wander the room anymore to check on them, so I had to ask, instead. 

'Year 10, are you being this quiet because you're exhausted, or I'm terrifying?' I stage-whispered into the room.

'It's about half and half, Miss,' someone whispered back. 

I expect we all slept well on Friday night. 

Scenes from the Classroom #38

 It's been a while since we had one of these. I'm sure it's because I have forgotten to share, rather than fewer funny things have happened. 

Today was my first lesson back with a full class, since March. It's day 6 of the new year but there has been a lot of faffing and fortunate timetabling which has meant a respite, although I get grumpy when I have to spend too much time in school without teaching - what's the point? 

My first lesson was with my y11 group. I had two y10 classes last year but gave up the nicer one to a colleague, on the basis that this year would be long and catching them up would be difficult. The class I kept would have coped a lot less well with the transition to a new teacher, I feared. But, in the past, they have been hard work. There are a lot of them and a small number are not very nice to each other. I have to say though, that it was a joy getting them back and I gave myself a telling off for being negative. 

At some point in the double lesson, I showed them kitten pictures.

Chorus: What are their names?
Me: This is Lenin...
T: LEN...LENNON?
Me: No, Lenin. 
T: Whose that?
Me: He was a Russian ruler. And this is Krupskaya...
T: KRU..KRI...KRIPSKAYA?! What...who...who names their cat Kripskaya?
Me: I do. Me. I name my cat that. 

Meanwhile my student of Georgian heritage was hysterical with laughter, being pretty much the only one who has heard these names before. 

SO nice to get back to it. I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about how nice it would be not to work anymore but this ignores the fact that, actually, it is quite nice to work, too. Though I wish I didn't have to work right now, but those Politics quizzes won't write themselves. 

Scenes from the Classroom #37

There's a lot of chat at the moment about how strict teachers should be with students.

My general rule of thumb is, strict. I like my own way. My classroom is my kingdom. Lessons are short and should be all about learning. I also like to think I can spot a fake illness at 40 paces, with 95% accuracy. They usually occur when a challenging task has been set or when there is a bigger issue going on outside of the lesson.

This week with Y7...

A: *high pitched mumble*
Me: Pardon?
A: *squeak squeak* really sick *squeak* [pained expression]
Me: Sorry, what?
A: I feel really sick can I go
Me: Oh, I'm sorry you feel sick. Have you got a drink in your bag?
A: Yes but I feel really sick
Me: OK, well, just sit back down and have a drink, and lay your head on your arms and have a rest and we'll see how you feel in a bit
[Long pause, during which nothing happens]
A: But I feel really sick. Can I go to First Aid?
(Note: if they really feel sick, they always ask to go to the toilets)
Me: The nurse isn't in until period 2
A: But they will let me sit in First Aid
Me: First Aid is for emergencies in lesson time. I'm sorry, but we were reminded about this in our staff briefing this week so I can't let you go. Why don't you try having drinks?
A: I feel sick though
Me: Yes, I know, try having a drink and just resting for a bit. I won't make you do any work...
A: Mrs F said I could go to her in the library if I ever feel bad can I go to the library? (spoken like this, with no apparent punctuation)
Me: I'm afraid not, because Mrs F isn't in until period 2 either
A: [stares, with tears creeping out of her eyes]
Me: Just try sitting down for a bit quietly with your drink
A: [stares some more]
Me: A, just pop yourself down and get your drink out and we'll see how you feel in 5 minutes
A: But...
[Another long pause]
Me: Just settle yourself down on that chair, A
A: But....I don't want to

THERE it is.

And then when I followed up later in the day, it turns out she's having some issues with her friendship group.

I feel the need to justify myself now: don't think me heartless. There's just a lot of time wasting that could go on in schools if you let it.

Scenes from the Classroom #36

When I walked into my classroom after lunch today, one of my year 10s was sitting opening and closing her mouth in a fishlike manner and her friends were suggesting she hold her breath. Assuming she had hiccoughs, I shouted BOO! in her face as I went past. She screamed and then burst out laughing. I burst out laughing. The rest of the class also burst out laughing. There was much merriment.

'Did I cure your hiccoughs?' I asked, a minute later.

'Oh no Miss, I didn't have hiccoughs! They were just trying to teach me how to roll my Rs....'

Scenes from the Classroom #35

I published another book in the summer holidays. This one was about teaching and I wrote it all by myself - hence the dearth of blog posts at the start of the year. It's weird seeing it in print and even weirder when people talk to me about it. A picture of it made it onto the head's opening slide for the year, alongside announcements of two engagements and a birth. I did chuckle.

The students don't know about it, other than my year 13s, who I happened to be teaching the day I discovered it was on Amazon, but today my year 10 class were asking about the textbook they're working from (which I also wrote) and I couldn't resist showing them the new one on the board. I let them flick through my copy and they were wildly excited to see excerpts from my lesson slides and pictures of tasks completed similar to the ones they do. 'PAPER PEOPLE! THERE ARE PAPER PEOPLE IN HERE!!' Er, yes, it is a book about how I teach you know...it's not that surprising.

The nicest bit though was when one of them said, 'Miss, I hope you realise we are incredibly proud of you,' and the whole class burst into applause. So lovely. I didn't know where to put myself.

Scenes from the Classroom: The Christmas Card Edition

I received a nice clutch of festive cards from students this year. The ones with the messages in are always my favourite. Here are a selection.

Something from one of my new year 7 tutees. She's very quiet but very lovely.

This one was from T, previously mentioned. She's done great this year. When I marked her book last, I gave her a star and wrote that I was really proud of her. I'm always a bit nervous writing that, in case it comes across as patronising; but when I gave her the book back she said, 'Thanks for what's in this, Miss.' I replied that the star stickers were my favourite, and she said, 'I liked the comment best. That's my favourite bit.' Aww.

These last two are from sixth formers.

I like to think the shade thrown in this one was unintentional. I was her teacher last year, as well. I think she just didn't enjoy the Tudors much last year....well, I hope that's what she meant.

Scenes from the Classroom #34

I've got a very confident girl in my year 7 class.

Today, someone asked me how to spell abattoir. I couldn't remember if it was one b or two, so I wrote them both on the board and selected the one that looked correct. I think this is an important modelling thing to do with students. Also, I don't use the word abattoir very often.

K: *hand straight up*
Me: (momentarily doubts the spelling, but only momentarily)
Me: Yes, K?
K: Miss, as somebody who very rarely makes spelling mistakes, I can confirm that that is correct.
Me: Thank you very much, K!
Class: *snigger*

She does delight in showing off her excellent literacy skills, but I had to bite back from saying, "As somebody who always uses full sentences, remind me to show you how."

Scenes from the Classroom #33

I am having a blinder of a start to the term. Lessons are going well, SLT seem pleased with me (indicating my results were at least acceptable...I thought they were, but it's hard to tell in a new context), I have taken over the running of the ski trip, I love my new tutor group, all my classes seem reasonable (cautious), and I have managed two work-free weekends in a row, in line with my new year's resolution.

Then there's the little icing here and there. Today I handed out the textbooks to my year 10 class. They're the ones I wrote. I don't tell them this because it's a bit awkward to just announce it, isn't it? Then this...

M: Um, Miss...
Me: ...yes?
M: Well, er...it's just there's...well, there's a name on the front of this textbook...
Me: ....
M: Well, it's the same as your name.
Me: Yes.
M: Did you write this book?
Me: Yes, I wrote this book.
Whole class: WHAT?! Really? Where? Where does it say that? Did you really? Did you write the whole thing? How long did it take? How did you get to do that?
L: What do you have to read to write a book? (Best historian question: she will go far)
Me: I read lots of things. So many things. You know that book I gave you readings from the other day? That was one of the things.
L: Wow!
L2: I'm so proud to have this book!

These moments are very nice. I spend a lot of time in my non-school jobs with people who have written loads of textbooks and are far more accomplished, so sometimes I forget that it was actually quite an achievement.

The other class were nice about it, but not quite so effusive (today's class are complete geeks who genuinely laugh at my awful jokes) and T, of last week's SftC, said, "Why would anyone want to do that?" and then, when I said I'd given copies to my parents, "If someone gave me a textbook, yknow, I wouldn't read it."

It's good to remain humble.

Scenes from the Classroom #32

We've been back two weeks, and I can see from Twitter that a lot of teachers are remembering why they love their jobs. The initial shock to the system (what? I can't sleep right at this moment? I can't eat right at this moment? I can't pee right at this moment?) has ebbed, we've all realised that we do remember how to plan a lesson, most of our classes have been met, and perhaps they are still in the phase where they want to impress us because it's a new year.

On Thursday I had a year 10 class with a pupil in it I was not looking forward to teaching last year, T. She was hands down my most problematic last year. She barely ever wrote anything in her book and quite often stormed out or was sent out. It was painful. I tried to schedule her for another staff member this year, but it didn't work out. I was dreading it a bit: it's all very well to chuck it away in year 9, but this is a bit more important.

Happily, she has had a strong start. No argument about the seating plan, where she sits next to my desk. Not a peep about how the book should be laid out; copying down everything from the board even when I haven't asked the class to (this is common to some of our more conscientious students). Thursday was the best though, because I gave them an activity I first used with a class as an NQT and she showed me a way of doing it BETTER. I still can't get over it. Fifteen years and she hacked it in about two minutes. I had to resist the urge to jump up and down squealing at this, because she is suspicious of excessive praise, as many difficult students seem to be; but I did ring home on Friday night and leave a nice message about her.

It may not last, so I wanted to record it while it was good. Those teacher training adverts are all over the place again, thanks to the latest iteration of Educating... and even though I really love what I do, they make me roll my eyes. 'The kids teach you to be a better teacher' - ergh gag. Then I get moments like this one and I think, yeah, I could be on one of those adverts, making people want to throw things.

Scenes from the Classroom #31

I think all teachers will be familiar with the back-to-school nightmares that start to crop up at some point in the summer holidays. Mine have been of varied vividity; the two from years past that have stayed with me are arriving to find I hadn't ordered any exercise books, and the classic from 2014, of going in on the first day to find the wall between my classroom and the one next door had been removed - this was literally the case when I went into my new classroom in 2016. Luckily it is a folding wall.

Last night, however, I think I hit bingo on the back-to-school dreams. All the negative bits were in there, all rolled into one. I was significantly late. I was inappropriately dressed, and had to change in the head's office, while he was in there, and I'd forgotten to bring any undergarments. I hadn't prepared anything for my teaching day. I had forgotten my laptop. I had forgotten I had an extra hour of form time. The colleagues that usually help me out were away. When I got to my form room, I found my form was now around 50 students. Three members of the senior team were there to observe, and some of the students had brought their parents.

I woke up, heaved a sight of relief, took the hint, packed my school bag and went to work for the day. Well, I have now been off for six weeks, so it's not surprising my subconscious is confused about why I'm still in bed at 8am on a weekday.

Scenes from the Classroom #30

Me: So, year 11, how does this work with the study leave, then?
Them: We don't have to come in for the half day before an exam from now on. But some of us might anyway.
Me: OK, so I will plan lessons in case you are in, then. I will be teaching the lesson if you are here or not, so assume you can always come in. I will probably teach to an empty classroom, if you are not here.
H: ...will you Miss?
Me: Er, no.
K: I can actually imagine you doing that, though.
H: We should try to catch her doing it.
Me: I won't be doing it.
K: You can say that, but I can definitely imagine it.

Happy to see that my passion for the job has made an impression.

Scenes from the classroom #29

This year I got (I think) my first ever teacher Christmas card. It is red, gold and glittery, and says "For my teacher at Christmas time" on the front. Aww. I think it was bought in a game of on upmanship being played by two rivals in my year 11 class, to outdo the smaller card given to me by the other one the previous day, but I'll take it.

Love what she wrote inside. I always go on about Stresemann being my favourite 1920s German politician. I draw a little heart by his name when I write it on the board, so the message is completely contextually accurate. Love my history geeks.

Scenes from the Classroom #28

I've had a successful teaching day today. My line manager told me that one of my sixth formers - a tricky one that I have been quite stern with - had told the head that I was a better teacher than him! Then one of the most difficult students in year 11, who I had several run ins with at the start of the year, actually found me after her history lesson today to share something with me that she thought I'd find funny. I was really touched.

Everybody's getting a bit sleepy and ratty at the end of term, so I am afraid I might find tomorrow is not as filled with wins. But today has been good.

Scenes from the Classroom #27

As a trainee, I remember marking year 7 exams. One student had written, in answer to the question "What is a reeve?" - "A baker." The history teacher who was marking alongside me said, 'That's quite clever really - it's not right, but the local baker is called Reeve's.'

I was reminded of that this week. A girl in my history club made a poster about the Boston Tea Party for our "This month in History" display. She researched the event and everything, but she still thought it was a cafe. "The first Boston Tea Party opened because the Americans did not want to pay the tax on tea. Originally, the cafe was called The Destruction of the Tea in Boston."

Boston Tea Party is a local cafe chain, with a branch a few hundred feet away from school. The mind boggles, though.

Scenes from the Classroom #26

I'm teaching the new GCSE. It's an old topic, that I used to teach when I was a newbie. It involves a look at the work of Koch, who is always good value because his name sounds like cock. My old colleague used to say it "cotch" but I don't see the point in playing it that way. Usually the first time I exaggerate the ccchhhh ending, but then afterwards revert. In my first year, I had students make posters to support his successes over those of his rivals, and one particularly memorable lad came up with the slogan, "Vote Koch - he won't flop". Bet he remembered it in the exam.

On a tangent, my art teacher friend used to have her classes do a drawing project on cockerels. Then she'd put them up on the wall and invite her other classes, with an absolutely straight face, to view her wall of cocks. She is my hero.

Anyway, it's been probably a decade since I had to teach this, so when I first brought it up I looked around expectantly. Not a whisper. Not a ripple. Not even so much as an eyebrow twitch. I moved on, incredulous. Further mentions occurred: still nothing.

This week, the back row asked me to confirm how the word was pronounced.
Me: No, not cotch - cock. You'll remember it because it sounds a bit rude.
(Pause)
C: You know Miss, I never even thought of that until you just said it.
M: But wait, Miss...I don't...
C: Sssshhh it's OK...
M: No, Miss - I don't get it. Why is it a bit rude?

I genuinely thought she was trolling me. I went all in.

Me: Well, cock is a slang word for penis.
M: *looks confused* Oh...right...
C: *whispering* I would have told you! I knew what it was!

Not trolling me, then.

I might be the least mature person in that classroom. As a post script, I explained to my year 8s what a codpiece was this afternoon (it was in context) and we all chuckled wildly about it for a minute or so. They are probably closer to my level.