Friday 20 January 2012

Weekword: Ultracrepidarianism

Please go and read...

Emma at the Gift Shed
Helen at Autistic Inner Space
Funky La La
Tails of a Biomouse

..and I'm tagging Emma for next week. She wished for a simpler word!

And I present my advice about driving. I am obviously the best driver ever, because I spend nearly 2 hours a day doing it.

If you don't know how wide your car is, get out of my way before we get to the narrow bit through Bradford on Avon.

If it's a 60mph limit, don't drive at 40mph. That's not an upper limit, it's the actual speed you should be driving; this, at least, is the case when I'm behind you. And if you're driving at 40 then don't brake sharply when we get to the 40mph zone.

When you overtake me at speed on the chevrons at the end of the dual carriageway, pull into my 2-second gap and brake sharply, don't flip me off when I flash my lights at you. If I've had a bad day I might drive into you. My car isn't expensive and I have a protected no-claims bonus. Also you did dangerous driving and deserve my pathetic attempt at a punishment.

NEVER flash your lights at me, ever, for any reason (unless I've forgotten to put my lights on, which never happens). Some builder-types in a car-van did this to me today, as I was actually overtaking another vehicle. When I eventually moved over and they passed me I was gratified to see somebody had written the see-you-next-Tuesday word in the grime on the back of the van. Like they read my mind.

Fog lights are only for when it's foggy. If you have "day lights" you claim cannot be turned off, remove the bulbs. We all have day lights - it's called daylight. Moron.

There is no conversation so important that you have to have it whilst loitering by your car at a petrol pump which I am waiting to use. Have some manners and get out of my way.

If I want to overtake you, take the hint and move over (I won't flash my lights at you, I have some standards, but you should have enough self-awareness to notice me in your mirror). The reason I always stay in the same lane is because I need to be in this lane to turn, and anyway, nobody could ever want to overtake me - I drive at the speed limit (honest....and brake when I see a speed van). Anybody who wants to overtake me is quite clearly a git. And I don't move over for gits.

Loud music improves driving. Stop glaring at me, pedestrian. It's not that loud, is it?

Big lorries should not be on my route to work. It's a minor A road. Go a different way, especially in rush hour. Which, by the way, is between 7am and 8am. And don't illegally drive cross the Medieval bridge in Bradford on Avon - have some social responsibility. The people in BoA have social responsibility: they work in shifts to watch the bridge for irresponsible drivers like you and photograph them and report them. So it's probably best to heed this advice.
The same goes for bin lorries and tractors.

Let me out, please let me out I'm late, please....thanks.
(2 mins later) Er, no, I'm not letting you out - how dare you presume such a thing? Wait for the natural traffic gap, for goodness' sake!

Driving brings out the rage in me. Sometimes I get embarrassed by my rage, which is silly, because it only ever manifests itself when I'm in the car alone, so nobody to be embarrassed in front of. Mr Z might think this isn't true but he hasn't seen the half of it. I become totally unreasonable and utterly selfish. It probably doesn't help that the roads I drive down for work are narrow, windy, hilly and quite dark, being largely through woods. I've been doing this particular version of the journey for six years now, so of course I know it like my own hands, and have to keep reminding myself it might be quite intimidating for someone who's never been down it before.
Try telling me that at 7.36am ahead of a full teaching day, though. Don't - I'll probably punch you in the face.

Thanks for playing, everyone! Good effort this week.

1 comment:

junebug said...

Love this word!! I'm in. Working on a post now. If I don't have it up today I will be soon.